I met my first best friend, and second friend after years of bullying, in middle school. I clung to her because she never insulted me. We became friends eighth grade year and have been friends ever since. Until I totally screwed up and ruined everything.

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut, or better yet, think before I speak. I end up in situations where the whole "open mouth, insert foot" line is an understatement for how I feel. This situation, that line doesn't cover it.

So I'm an idiot. I threw away the best friendship because I was, well, overly dramatic may fit, but I don't think so.  I just didn't think. I let my damnable emotions get the better of me, and I'm down to one best friend who's great and I love her like a sister, but lets face it. I can't tell her everything like I did my first best friend. (I'm sparing them by not using names, they deserve that at least.)

This isnt going to be a long post, mostly because, well, I really would prefer not to detail what I did. They know. I know. I admit I'm every type of idiot and ditz and then some. They are nodding their heads as they read this. One of them(you know who you are, Miss OCD) is laughing in agreement. I'll bet ya anything she is. Okay, well, not anything, but you get my drift, right? Right. Back on topic.

There's no way for me to apologize enough to my first bf, and I don't think it'd matter how much anyways. She hates me now. I mean, she blew up just because Miss OCD invited me to dinner with her and first bf. Then she covered it up by saying she was venting about her sister. Yeah, guess who told me. Sorry but I'm getting everything I can out.

Okay, now, I wanna explain my side. I had thought me and first bf had worked this out. That we would be neutral about it and be friends again. Apparently, I was so very wrong. So what did I do, besides that which I have admitted to to my best friends? I have no clue. Maybe someone could tell me? I wanna know exactly so I can explain and or fix this.

Now, I know my parents are considered a problem. My father has said he blaims first best friend for my bad grades, bad attitude, story writing, and general change from happy go lucky to miss emo suicidal. I changed because I got so friggan tired of being happy when I wasn't!!! WTF dad? No one influenced me. I'm better than damn peer pressure. If that was the case I'd be a southern preppy bimbo with bad blonde hair and skanky clothes and a hunting jacket. Last time I checked, I wasn't any of those things, nor do I own any of those clothes, Thank GOD! Now for my mom.... She gets angry if she doesn't understand. My evidence: I jokingly said my last resort would be Trident tech and then transfer to a four year IF no one else accepted me first go around. What did she do? Ban my boyfriend from coming over. My parents are not representations, nor does their advice affect of me. A rare tidbit maybe, but mostly no. They don't know me half as well as they think. They may know when somethings wrong, when Im happy, in trouble, etc., but otherwise are clueless. After 17 years my dad still doesn't know half the stuff I like. And I still have to remind him I don't care what people say. I'm over the bullies.

I think I've got the basics covered. If my now ex-best friend would be so kind as to talk to me, for the sake of the friendship we once had, that would be great. I at least want us to be nuetral, not angered beyond safe point, and me cursing the day I got it in my head to talk to you. Im really thinking we'd both be so better off if we hadn't been friends if I made you this mad. Honestly, I never want you mad at me. I feel like shit when you are. I know I used to tease you, but I meant it in the same way you called me gaki. I didn't like gaki much, but I really wish you'd call me that again.